


Losing you

by Yogaduck



Category: Sex Education - Fandom
Genre: Angst, F/M, Misunderstandings, big ouch
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-02-09
Updated: 2020-03-05
Packaged: 2021-02-27 23:28:06
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 1,781
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/22634338
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Yogaduck/pseuds/Yogaduck
Summary: Set at the end of Season 2 after the school play, Jean follows Jakob out into the car park but isn't prepared to see him with someone else...
Relationships: Jean Milburn/Jakob Nyman
Comments: 9
Kudos: 87





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> Hi friends, not sure where I'm going with this so bear with me! It's just a little something that's been floating around my head since I finished Season 2. Enjoy and let me know what you think! B x

After Otis walked away, she found herself rushing out to the car park where Jakob had just disappeared, suddenly needing to see him again, even if it was just a glimpse. The pain in her chest was creeping up once more and she had to take a few deep breaths once she was outside.

That’s when she saw them.

Jakob was standing in the car park with a woman. The woman’s back was to Jean, but she saw how the woman placed a hand on Jakob’s broad shoulders, caressing him there. Jakob was smiling at her. He was laughing.

Jean froze. Her breaths became more and more laboured as she looked at them. The air in her lungs didn’t feel like enough. She felt like she was choking. The tightening in her chest was agony. She placed a hand over her heart, and felt tears drip down her cheeks. She had lost him. She had made a mistake and he was already moving on. The look he gave her as he left the school, she thought, contained a flicker of hope, she must have been mistaken. She felt the sobs bubble up her throat, but she couldn’t let them out as she tried to contain herself from crying out in pain. Her heart was pounding, and she felt dizzy. She tried not to look in their direction again, but she couldn’t. She deserved to feel this pain after how she hurt Jakob, she never even apologised. She had brushed it off as ‘only a stupid kiss’, but from the hurt in his eyes when she’d told him, she knew her actions had caused him pain. The woman’s hand was still on Jakob, still touching him in an overly familiar way that caused another sharp shot of pain to go through her heart in that moment. She clutched her chest tighter. Just then he looked up. Their eyes met. More tears threatened as she looked into his piercing, blue eyes. A sob broke through the dam and she tried to stifle it with a hand to her mouth, turning away.

She hurried to her car, fumbling in her handbag for the keys. She couldn’t see through all the tears that were now flowing freely down her face. Her hands shook as she opened the car door.

“Jean! Wait!” She heard him shout, but she didn’t stop.

He appeared at her car window as she turned on the engine, studying her face, which must have been a sight. She could feel how red her eyes were without looking in the rear-view mirror. Her lip trembled as she looked at him through the glass.

“Jean…” he repeated barely audible. She put her foot on the accelerator and drove away.

*****

She wiped furiously at her face as she drove home. Her hands were shaking even as she gripped the steering wheel tightly. There was no one else to blame but herself; she was the one who pushed him away after all.

Truth be told, she hadn’t felt like she deserved the kind of love that Jakob had offered her. The tender, warm, constant support he had given her. She had felt overwhelmed by it. He cooked for her, he held her tight, yes, he was messy and yes, he took too long in the shower, and yes, he made a racquet with his smoothies… but he made her a pan shelf that she didn’t even realise she needed. That was the kind of love Jakob gave her, he gave her what she needed, so willingly, without her even realising it was what was missing. She had had something so pure and so selfishly her own that she hadn’t known how to handle it. Yes, she may have grown too independent over the years, and the level of intimacy he gave was all so new, but that didn’t mean it wasn’t what she so desperately wanted, and yet, she pushed it away. It was hard to be with Jakob and not expect him to do the things that Remi used to. She hadn’t been with a man in so many years and the last one she had been with had made her feel so painfully insecure, so painfully lacking. She really hadn’t meant to kiss Remi; he was like a drug. She didn’t want to be sucked back in but in the moment, it was hard to resist. She regretted it now like she’d never regretted anything so much in her life.

She sobbed as she drove home. She let out all the emotions she had been bottling up; it helped, to an extent. She had no right to be upset with him. He had no obligation to her anymore and how could she begrudge him seeking out someone else, she was the one that broke the trust they had by kissing her ex. No, it wasn’t fair for her to be feeling so betrayed. But she was. It had been two days since he told her he couldn’t do it anymore, that she wasn’t ready for the kind of intimacy he was looking for, and he had moved on already? That hurt more than she was ready for. They had been together for months and it took him two days to forget about her? Did what they have mean that little to him? Had, she reminded herself, had, not have.

She pulled up outside the house and turned off the ignition. The low hum of the engine died, and the silence breathed a sigh in her ears.


	2. Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry it's been so long friends, life's been a little hectic but my uni is going on strike so I finally have time to actually write! B x

She dreamt of Remi. She hadn’t dreamt of Remi in a long time. In her dreams she relived the moment she found out that he was gone, for good this time, that he wasn’t coming back. She was alone.

But then she dreamt of Jakob, she saw him with the woman in the car park and the same crushing hurt that she felt at Remi’s betrayal washed over her once more. When she woke up her pillow was wet, and her eyes felt sore and tired. She could feel the dried tear tracks on her cheeks, she traced them with her fingers absentmindedly. It hadn’t been long but waking to find him not next to her was proving harder than she anticipated. She wasn’t used to needing someone to feel emotionally grounded, she hadn’t felt this way in a long time. She reached a hand out to the empty side of the bed, spanning her hand out over the cold sheet.

She knew her tendencies, she knew she could lie here all day, lie here till she couldn’t feel anything anymore. In the past she had made herself get up, she had Otis to care for, to cook for and bring up. He was 16 now and more than capable of looking after himself at least till dinner needed to be on the table. She could hear him shuffling about in his room getting ready for school, he wouldn’t miss her if she didn’t get up for breakfast. In any case she would rather not show him the state she was in. She tried so hard in the past to hide her shattered emotions from him after his father left, she had to be the strong one, for both of them. She had to keep moving, keep her head up, for Otis. She never allowed him to really see the affect that suddenly becoming a single parent had on her.

Eventually she heard the door slam as Otis left the house. She took a deep breath and sat up in bed, her head hurt and the world was hazy. She caught sight of some of his spare change and a couple of screws on the bedside table and felt the tears threaten to fall once more. She shouldn’t be feeling this way, she pushed him away, it was her fault… but God help her she missed him. She missed him terribly. She punched the pillow next to her in frustration and allowed her tears to fall.

*****

At some point she must have fallen asleep again because she woke to pounding on the front door. Sluggishly she got up, slipped on her dark blue satin gown and slippers on and trudged down the stairs. She felt like shit. She caught a glimpse of herself in the mirror and had to look again. She looked about as terrible as she felt. Her hair was a mess, sticking up at odd angles. Her eyes were sunken but also puffy and red from crying. She looked pale, too pale.

 _Oh, this is not good for the baby_ , a voice in her head whispered. Frowning, she continued her trek to the front door, whoever it was at the door had better leave quickly because she needed food, she may not be feeling like doing anything but she was not going to lose this baby simply but neglecting herself. She shook her muddled head dispelling away all rogue thoughts and doubts that threatened to make her spiral again before opening the front door.

She stopped short when she saw him on her doorstep. He turned around and she looked into those piercing blue eyes and all her breath fled her lungs. She stood there; mouth slightly open as she stared at him.

“Jean…”, her senses returned and she shut her mouth and looked down. She held a hand up to stop him explaining himself, she composed herself, steeling herself for the hurt she knew she would feel after this conversation.

“It’s ok Jakob… you…” damn, why was her voice shaking, “you don’t have to explain anything to me, you have every right to… to be happy” her voice broke as she said what every fibre of her being resented, she didn’t want him to be happy without her in his life, she didn’t, but she knew she was being selfish.

Ironically it reminded her of the first time they met, her holding up a hand as she braced herself to sneeze, her excusing herself by saying she was coming down with something. This made her think about his soup and that made her eyes sting. _No, now is not the time, you have to be strong, you have to let him know that he can be happy without feeling guilty about you._

Jakob attempted to say something but she interrupted, “Granted, it was a… ah… bit of a shock that you found someone, so… so quickly…” she attempted to chuckle but with her heart in her throat and her lungs not cooperating, she only succeeded in making a sound like a drowning duck so swiftly stopped.

_Christ, doing the right thing was fucking painful._


End file.
